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WHAT HAPPENED to me, and us Middling Men

October 21, 2010

As I undertook my own gut rehab, I was inspired by no role model, read no book, saw no infomercial, employed no media-hyped “program”.  However, this aggressive mass reduction caused a bunch of people (male and female) to conclude that if I could do it, they could try.  This leads me to believe that others who are astonished by their mid-life bloat might enjoy a peek into my pathetic little purgatory, and my way out of it.

Mirroring my own expansion over those last 25 years, the size of the American home has grown by almost 50%, despite the average family size losing one human and the dirt patches these homes are built upon being 40% smaller.

Bigger seems to be better in all things American.  Hondas, Saturns, and Volkswagens used to be tight little vehicles – but they all constantly expanded over the last decade or two despite the cost of gas.  My wife says today’s size 8 was a size 10 when she was young. All these evolutions tip-toe around one very large and growing mammal in the room – us. We are indeed getting bigger, and how much it’s the cause or the effect, our “normal” food distribution metrics are changing as well.

“Hungry’ Man” meals are simply the original TV Dinners with double the entrées. There is a hamburger called “The Baconator”.  Soups have a “Fully Loaded” version with “MORE MEAT!”.   McDonalds has gone from a 3 oz. burger to the Quarter Pounder to the 1/3 Pound Burger.  “Find Your Hunger” is a real advertising campaign.  Yet even through our lard-colored glasses we sense something’s awry.  “Supersize” is now a negative term, and “McMansion” combines the simultaneous house and caloric bloat that mark our era.

The irony is that I’ve spent my professional life designing homes that fit their occupants snugly.  This passion extended to publishing two books advocating homes that are smaller than our cultural norms.  Beyond aesthetics, the better a home fits its occupants, the truly “greener” it will be – not only using less energy in construction, but in all the various costs of maintaining it. 

Even with this career focus, I obviously spaced on my own need to have my most personal “house” – my body – “fit” who I really was.  I lived this delusion as I ate Supersized portions, grew Supersized, and allowed ever Supersizing clothes to dull the truth of my expansion.  I had effectively built a bodily McMansion around my cottage innards, and that layering up came to be as silly and offensive to me as any of the thoughtless architectural bloatburgers covering America’s suburban landscape. 

It’s not that there has been zero cultural response to our fat fest.  Mocking the fat is the last culturally acceptable refuge for people who are otherwise thoughtful and open-minded. And we are ripe for teasing. In reality TV shows, when the disgustingly fat are herded into a boot-campy weight-loss psychodrama, most of us do not celebrate their achievements as much as we are encouraged to revel in their grotesquery, to the point where weigh-ins involve unclothed bellies in full distention. 

­Clearly, if Larry the Cable Guy is doing ads declaring he’s lost 50 lbs. on Slim Fast, many of my fellow fat boys are worth shilling to.  However, if the force of advertising is any indicator of our bodily needs, then erectile dysfunction is a far greater health threat than obesity.  The overwhelming predominance of E.D. remedy ads over pitches for male weight loss programs may just reflect the potential consequences of each “cure”.  Somehow, “an erection lasting longer than four hours” does not sound as bad to me as not eating bread.

Whether it’s the flabby guy in the sitcom implausibly married to the incredibly hot spouse, or our schadenfreude over ballooning former TV hotties (Kirstie Alley, Sally Struthers, Delta Burke, either Cagney or Lacey) or the string of now-dead fat comedians (Belushi, Candy, Farley, et al) who mocked their own outsized status, as a culture we think fatties being fat is a fate they deserve, and they are often the focus of a merciless spotlight. 

Even when bombarded by this gleeful gloating by the unfat, it’s difficult for the typical ”big fella” to actually get out of the Barca-Lounger and do something for himself.  For me, narcissistic self-improvement ran against my grain as much as getting an annual check-up from a doctor, or buying new shoes before my old ones had turned into sandals.

Despite all the media mockery, or perhaps because of it, many of us lose a sense of our bodies.  Unlike women, who seem to have a binary sense of self based on two co-equal branches of their psyche – how they look and the state of their relationships – as noted men have really only one pre-eminent reality, performance. Rather than reflect on any subtle or evolving aspect of our lives (mind, body or heart) we are pretty much blind to everything beyond what we’ve done, what we’re doing, and what we want to do.    Given the competing interests during the prime childrearing part of our lives, the short straw inevitably goes to our bodies.

 So it was not surprising that I had largely ignored or rationalized my own corporeal presence.  The mental image I carried of my body had nothing to do with the reality of what it had become. When that disconnect was occasionally revealed (a full-length mirror usually did the trick) its deeply embarrassing reality was shrugged off as being out of my control.

Typically, males prefer to let any snoring dog enjoy his REM sleep before we test its bark-to-bite ratio.  Whether it’s that pile of “stuff” in the garage, the unsourced smell in the basement, or your mother-in-law’s love life, “don’t ask, don’t tell” is our universal M.O.

Each of us has our individual reasons for bulking up, and mine aren’t anyone else’s, but a lot of standard issue men get fat over a decade or three for one essential reason – our lives are so distracted or overwhelmed by circumstance that we backburner things that don’t need immediate attention – such as dealing with the crap in the attic, and, oh yeah, our bodies. 

Ignoring our fattening via denial and distraction is true for many different reasons.  It might be that our career is so exhilarating (or depressing) that it supercedes everything else.  Similarly, marriage and/or our love lives can be extremely distracting (either positively or negatively).  Maxxed out by the day-to-day calls upon our hours, minds, and hearts, it’s hard to judge ourselves beyond next week’s schedule.  At some point these demands have to be dialed back so we can assault the very thing that enables us to fully participate in the world around us – our often distorted bodies. 

There are a million reasons not to try to lose weight.  Obviously, the potential for embarrassment and self-loathing via failure is a primary buzz kill.  But there are pervasive, subtle realities of our daily grind that make the refocusing of our brains beyond the here and now very problematic.  

Most of us are either working a job that takes more than 40 hours a week, or have multiple jobs that add up to way more than 40 hours a week.  Hopefully we have relationships that absorb much of the rest of our hours (spouses, spawn, friends), and many of us have “hobbies” that approach fetish levels of focus.

As men reach their “peak performance years” (not near death, but having made enough mistakes to know the ropes), we’re asked to “help” any number of “good causes” – further muddying the waters of perspective with yet another time dump.  Whether you’re inhaling three donuts at the blood drive, having half a pizza at the Habitat site, or munching a large chunk of Bundt cake at the coffee hour after ushering at church, doing good can be quite fattening. 

The ritualistic feeding of family or the shared grub of social gatherings wove eating into all the special activities of my life.  Whenever I considered trying to lose bulk, I knew I had to change my eating (duh.)  The presumption was that if I changed my eating enough to actually drop weight, the pyramid of commitments, activities and passions I’d built into my fulfilling life would collapse. 

Some part of me thought that food and eating were the mortar that held together the structure of everything I did.  Rather than reform myself to re-form myself, I nibbled around the edges of my nibbling by creating a menu of conceptual “healthy eating” eschewing the most egregiously disgusting fatty and processed foods.  The original sin was twofold, a love of carbs and a casual disregard for the fact that I ate in unlimited quantities whenever I wanted to from a defendably virtuous menu that excluded obviously evil foods.

When you think about it, it was actually easy to pack on that much bulk notwithstanding my nominal gestures towards avoiding fat. If 3500 calories are needed to create a pound of flesh, and I larded up my frame with about 100 extra pounds, this means that over a 25-year period I consumed 350,000 calories beyond what I needed to maintain my correct weight.  This comes down to 14,000 extra calories per year, about 269 calories per week, a mere 38 extra calories per day — maybe one Milano cookie over the line.

I was so out-of-it that I thought it was amusing when strangers mistook me for movie director Peter Jackson. Not the current not-fat Peter Jackson, but the previously very fat Peter Jackson. Proving that fat is seen first and foremost, no one now mistakes the thinner me for the thinner him. Speaking of filmmakers, Michael Moore’s ever-expanding countenance is often a subtext of any other perception of his worth. If you think you can permanently dance around the impact of your body denial, just ask Oprah. Would Mike Huckabee have had the media attention he enjoyed in his presidential candidacy had he not (as was repeated in every blessed puff piece) “lost a hundred pounds”? How many people were as thrilled by Al Gore winning a Nobel as they were shocked by his puffing up?  It’s not so much you are what you eat; for many people it really is that you are what you have eaten. And eaten. And eaten.

Given my ability to “compartmentalize” the reality of my body any earlier failed attempts to control my mass before my final drive were episodic at best.  I’d always gained every ounce back that I’d ever lost, plus a bunch.  But as soon as I realized that I could fundamentally change my daily pattern by incorporating an hour of exercise into every day, it dawned on me (after five years; I’m slow) that what goes down my gullet could be changed as well.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 24, 2010 11:26 am

    So well written and inspiring!

  2. Lucy Banko permalink
    December 7, 2010 2:33 pm

    Duo – I just adore you. Everything you write sings to me, and everything you draw speaks to me.

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