BIG (& me)
Big Weather said it was going to snow last night, starting late, but Watch Out: SNOW!
Upon awakening: Nothing.
The little guy, me, had his hopes (no, I do not pray over weather) heard by the Cosmos and: No Snow. The Me is vindicated over The Big. Justice Prevails!
I walk outside at 6:22AM, and a huge snowflake crashes into my right eyeball.
We, I, try, desperately to hunker in compartmentalizations. The news is so incomprehensible that it makes 90 minutes of just me in my barn every morning in silent centering away from the Big seem rare and brief.
There are many Bigs: our life arc is Big, even though our tiny acts of coping are in front of us every moment, the Big is always there.
We need to pay bills, but the Big picture of the meaning of money is with me every day.
We changed diapers, drove a million places, answered endless questions, but now they are gone, the Big outcomes of our children’s’ lives are out there, somewhere.
I can only pray, in the form I pray, on the Bigs. The trivialities of me are what I do. The imponderables of the Big are, well, imponderable: I often have no clue about meaning and message.
Unlike so many of my friends, I have not woven a tapestry of conspiracy and comfort by devining motives and grand designs to make sense of the Big – I am a designer by profession so I know that design is just an art, not a revelation of truth.
I say “Thanks” and “Sorry” every day to a God that is so present I cannot see him, but to me, that is not prayer, that’s conversation.
So I hope, more than pray, even about the Big. The Big seems too Big for me to get my arms around to hug, or move or know it’s Bigness. I am OK about me, because I have been OK for no good reason or merit for 61 years.
I look back as the past is defined, and love history, find patterns there: but the created patterns of my friends addressing the future Big of the Now often evaporate upon hitting the ground, like early snow. My hopes are meaningless to the Big.
But in the few, very few, times I have prayed to the Big, (really the Biggest) I have been answered – it was OK – I lived, they are OK, I understand.
So when the snowflake hit my eye, I did not feel betrayed or stupid: I laughed – and the brown leaves in the landscape before me are now white.