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March 27, 2017

26 of 40

It’s not easy “getting”.

The act of receiving is so passive it almost makes the received inconsequential. Anything can be given to anyone anytime for no good reason. There is no threshold or reward or achievement defined by the giver: you just gets.

I have no sense of being owed, anything. Like many from a sad beginning, nothing was learned that enabled a sense of deserving: staying on it and surviving was hoped for, not expected.

I remember walking to the bus in fifth grade in deep anger and no small rage that I had had a good dream: I had awoken with expectations – “promises” made by hope to the alone that now seemed cruel and gratuitous.

Having been declared “perfect” in the Medical technology sense, after a seminal week that removed, for a while, part of what was on the “given” side, I understand, again, the simple truth: I have asked for nothing, but have been given everything.

It’s not easy to be in permanent deficit: ask any politician.

When the rest of everything is the essence of transactual the base, reptile, unthinking, wholly natural reality is that you have earned nothing, that all you are is simply offloaded without achievement. That makes for some hard bargaining.

If you start with nothing, everything you do do brings balance into question. If everything that allows you to do anything is based on the unmerited, unearned, unrequested fact of being alive in the moment: breathing, feeling doing – are you “lucky”?

Or are you convicted and dealing with your sentence?

Many feel the latter – and drug and sex and job description themselves into parallel expression, denying accounts receivable, but rocking on the cash off the gift.

I seem to feel the former: I cannot return what has been given: I really do not understand motives: I do know I have capacity. I was given that too. My choice is to use it or binge watch everything. I have lived by doing, for good or ill – even in Lent the effort is off the unanswered expectation of “earning” anything ever.

Grace should be as easy as cotton candy. It’s a hard road.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Joseph Dzeda permalink
    March 27, 2017 7:41 am

    I’m puzzled, humbled and rejoiced in Grace. And it seems to appear just when need is greatest. Praise God from whom all blessings flow…



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