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Waiting v. Wondering

March 21, 2018


Anticipation only happens when there is something you know to anticipate.

I went to bed fearing yet another nor’easter, 4th in as many weeks, Each has been exquisitely predicted, defined, correctly laid out, days in advance, really weeks with less precision.

Technology lets us prepare. It extends our knowledge of what we know to what should happen if we apply that knowledge. And the application reflects knowledge as well.

The Farner’s Almanac predicts. Based only on history, and, something. Like the secret spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken we do not know. I am sure it’s results are lauded in general, refuted in specific, but it’s sales are iron clad: we wanna know this stuff.

There is disappointment when our wondering becomes prediction and turns into expectations. It’s more comforting to simply give up on knowing and go with ignorance. The Christian Scientists simply turn off medicine as applied by us to us and say that it is up to God. When doctors have done all they can do they leave it up to God to. If they think there is a God.

But the Almanac says we are observers, we are wonderers who keep score and lay odds. We can predict the future from the past.

Weather Channel is more freaky. It is definitive. Times, percentages, icons, temperatures, dew points. Endless data of what will be when, all with the same basis as the Almanac – what has happened before.

The Christian Scientist says the same thing, except the only thing that has happened before that they project into the future is God’s love. It is totally powerful and we should simply give ourselves up to it.

But I watch the Weather Channel.

I see the wisp of irrational snow as I walk to the barn in the dim this AM and say: “It is above freezing…” and wonder. And wait.

Wonder is caused by ignorance. I can predict there is no God because people who should die do. I can say there is a God because people who should die do not.

But we all die. We are all waiting for that, too.

There will be a snowstorm.

We know the basics, we simply have no proof of the future,

So we scour and fixate and analyze the defined futures of The Weather Channel, The Farmer’s Almanac and the Bible. I have a greater comfort in my ignorance. But only if I act on what I know. I parked my car at the top of the driveway. I lost 4 stone this year, another, please Jesus, to go. I take 4 pills a day.

But I Google nothing.

Even when one place in my brain was filled with blood exactly one year ago, I had no desire to do anything but follow orders. My doctor was The Coach. If she said cut my left arm off I would ask “How high?”

Because I know more about what I do not know the more I know.

That means, weirdly, that I understand the Faith I have always had more now than 50 years ago, when I needed it most.

But I would not have Googled then either, if there was a Google. People say “Have you Googled him?” when I am auditioning for a new job. But no. I would rather present all I am, versus what I think he or she wants to hear. It’s not up to me to hire me.

It was not up to me to cure me, so the Doctor told me all the news. And I cured myself, to her amazement, or better, amusement.

I could ask God a lot of Questions, Google Jesus, debate the history, contest the faith or doubt or denial, but c’mon.

I cannot know God.

Nor the weather.

Because we may think we are predicting, but we are all wondering. Now with more knowledge, enough to simulate even more knowledge Because we really do not know much, no matter how much we know. We desperately want faith in the future, so we try to know it to control it. But I could not be a Christian Scientist either. Or read the Farmer’s Almanac. Or not obsess over the Weather Channel. Or, honestly, read the Bible outside of church.

Because I will not know that I cannot know, so I wonder. About most everything except me.

For me, there is faith. Oddly, not so much fear. That is why people build things, and I have a job. If fear overcame hope, nothing would get built, let alone predicted, even worse believed.

I believe there will be a spring, despite the storm they say is coming. And I do not read the Almanac. Even in a Lent.

It takes knowledge to waiting.

One Comment leave one →
  1. M. Slinger permalink
    March 22, 2018 6:11 am

    I am really living yiur writing.

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