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What Does It Mean?

August 27, 2022

(from endless editing)

“I had a soft-boiled egg and toast with margarine for breakfast, as usual, prepared by my mother. I grabbed my books, and walked down our driveway by myself, to the street where I would be picked up by a man diving a station wagon who was hired by a few families to take those several family’s children to school.

The morning light was low and bright. I felt, well, happy. Bizarrely happy.

I was happy because I had the fresh memory of the comfort and joy of a loving family, of the laughing and loving conversations we had last night…


I was punched in the mouth by the dawning reality that the happy family I was remembering existed only while I was asleep. The happiness of love I felt around me on the driveway was, in fact, just a dream. A very real, powerful dream. One that lived past awakening, but a fully invented, unreal reality of a desperate longing, of coping with the terror that I could never leave.

The usual night of an hour of my father’s focused consumption of scotch was not part of that dream. Louder and louder oaths of injustice and betrayal were not heard. My father’s railing against the indictments of a life that was not what it once was, and could never be what was deserved, earned, rightfully expected were nowhere in my dream.

By the end of the driveway, the shock was gone, but I was wholly hollow. The reality of being alone, at 11 was simply, unrelentingly, true. Life would go on.”

What are dreams?

Why do we even sleep?

A recent study revealed that REM sleep, “Rapid Eye Movement” sleep, the period where your eyes moved, is, in fact, not random, it is because the connection to dreaming and rapid eye movement is direct – like looking at any other reality.

We see what we dream.

My dreams in this later life have simply gotten more real, more intense, more indistinquishable from the moment of awakening, and later. Why? From that dream that betrayed me in 1968, I have never had a happy, flying dream. Rarely the sexual fantasy dream. But often, until this year, there were incoherent night terrors, often nightly, for fifty years. They have left – after I wrote a piece on forgiveness.

Why? I have come to think that this is not random.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 27, 2022 8:44 am

    I have never had a good dream. I have neutral dreams, scary dreams, or nightmares. I have the typical ‘lost’ dreams. I have the ‘I can’t find my way to the place I am trying to get’ dreams. I had the dream frequently where I die. Dreams are not a happy place.

    • Duo permalink
      August 27, 2022 9:18 am

      Sister from another mister

  2. Mary permalink
    August 27, 2022 10:37 am

    Excellent, and touching, Duo. ♥️

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