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March 18, 2023

22 of 40

Before He comes we weigh the Time! 
‘Tis Heavy and ’tis Light. 
When He depart, an Emptiness 
Is the prevailing Freight.

Emily Dickinson

I have only two appointments this weekend. No article due. One thing to write. One design to consider. Have I failed? Is this success?

My iceberg is, now, mostly underwater. Never a mountaintop, my days are spent staying above the water. It is too cold and wet and early to rake out the gardens, but soon. Yesterday I received enough funds for three payrolls, and the most overdue bills are paid.

But next week, next week, touring sites with an editor, a full design review of my class, a radio show, visiting a site in Virginia, an article published, and a room filled with staff, working on the thoughts and problems for many places.

But this morning, day, the next, is time.

Capacity renders time a failure and a gift.

After three silent weeks of mornings with Emily, I should be happy. The broken tube in my head has stayed sealed, my eyes and my innards are actually, medically, better. Confirmed, but without treatment. So why is time “Heavy” and never “Light”?

There is never enough, when it is what we have been given. Always a potential for failure, never a bask in success.

I think the “Heavy” life for some is because we cannot fill the holes we did not dig. No matter how intense the filling. You cannot work well in the rain, but you work. “An emptiness is the prevailing freight”.

The schedule becomes the measure. A “Light” now looks at a “Heavy” one. Weights and measures are what humans do. They have been given to us, too. These dark, gray mornings should be how we see the color of the world that is the God who made us. But it is harder to see color than to feel weight.

It is easiest to work, it is who we are. It is harder to know that work will not, well, work. Things are done. Good is done. But the good I do is not who I am. But the tube, eyes and gut know that work did not heal them. God made them, and me.

So the hardest thing is to do by not doing anything.

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11: 28-30

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